A place for my thoughts and ideas, my creative outlet, a little piece of the web for me to call my own...yeah...right...
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| a bite of chocolat... ::home:: A place for my thoughts and ideas, my creative outlet, a little piece of the web for me to call my own...yeah...right... |
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Tuesday, July 22, 2003 When I think about my future, I often feel as if I'm looking back upon a life I've already lived. Because somehow I already know the ending. I'll be thirty... forty... miserable... dancing with one of my gay friends at my best friends' weddings... Probably why I cry every time I watch that movie... I don't want to grow up. I am completely schizophrenic when it comes to "future" issues. I don't want to get married, but I do want to get married. I don't want to have children, but I do want to have children. I'd like to adopt a child, but I'd also want to have my own child. I want to have a career, but I don't want to be a worker drone in corporate America. I don't want to be a housewife, but maybe it'd be nice... Where did this all come from? Well, my body probably overdosed me with estrogen, because I found myself up at 9 AM (after going to sleep around 5 I might add) reading a book on my friend Jes's sofa called The Bitch in The House, a collection of essays in which "26 women tell the truth about sex, solitude, work, motherhood, and marriage." Essays I read: Excuse Me While I Explode: My Mother, Myself, My Anger - Getting the Milk for Free - I do. Not.: Why I Wont Marry - Killing the Puritan Within - A Man in the Heart - Why I Hate That My Mother Was Right (Well... About Most Things): Turning Into Elizabeth Taylor - How We Became Strangers - Erotics 102: Staying Bad. Staying Married. - My Marriage. My Affairs. I have an intense fear of not being satisfied with life. Most of the time I deny any possibility of happily ever after. Especially regarding marriage. Isn't it true that over 50% of marriages end in divorce? Makes one wonder how many more want to, but can't for whatever reason. Maybe a big cause for this massive falling out is that so many married people stop craving/having/enjoying sex. Then when the void is noticed, it's a midlife crisis; some mundane need to prove oneself sexually worthy once again. Then the affairs come, more often than not, leading to major problems. Maybe we need affairs, maybe we should revoke the taboo (and the law against) sexual freedom when married. Maybe it should be promoted; maybe it would lead to happier people. But then again, maybe it's not all about sex... People marry for a reason, and hopefully that reason is because they make eachother the most content they'll ever be. They complete eachother. Why doesn't it last? Maybe it's not supposed to last. Maybe people should get married twice. I mean, now that people are living till 70, 80, even 100, thats like twice what people once lived, maybe they should live two lives. Marry twice. I mean, if it lasts, that's not to say there's something wrong with that... I just doubt it. And weddings can be so costly... Maybe it's not marriage who's to blame, maybe it's aging. I don't want to become that stereotypical fat, bitchy, miserable, unwanted, resentful, middle-aged wife. I don't want that. I really don't want that... And children don't help that scenario... I mean, someone with morning sickness isn't gonna want to have wake up sex... and then there's the uncontrolable eating and the mood swings... neither I'd think would be very attractive... and then after you have the kid... ouch... and people sometimes don't retain their original shape after pregnancy... and there's the kid keeping you busy all the time, leaving you exhausted... diapers, feeding, napping, etc... and the exhaustion doesn't end until the kid's at least six and finally at least somewhat self-sufficient... but then they're too old to have in the house if you wanna have sex... and too young to go out alone... except school... Maybe I'll adopt children who are past all that high maintenance crap... I'll adopt some teenager who thinks I'd be a cool mom... I want a son who thinks I'm a cool mom... I wanna be that "Dude, you're mom's hot!" mom... and I want a daughter who will treat me as a friend... and as much as I don't want to be pregnant, as much as I don't want to deal with high maintenance children... I want children that are really my own, children that share characteristics... children that are a combination of what I love about myself and what I'll love about my husband... But of course, at least one parent will be working, maybe both... and we'll come home exhausted because we'll probably both hate our jobs... I don't want to hate my job... I want to be successful and happy... is that too much to ask? And I don't want to do chores all the time... cooking, cleaning, dealing with kids, laundry, pets, housekeeping... and I don't want a husband I'll resent for not understanding... for not helping... for being messy... Why are there so many cons in this equation?? Especially when I can sometimes see myself truly content in the future... and I've noticed myself saying content... avoiding the word happy... Happy seems too flighty, too short lived... Content is steady-feeling, secure, peaceful, but still... happy... Will I find happily ever after? Will I at least be happy? Is it possible to be a married woman with a family and a career and still be in love? Still be happy?? Maybe I'll be that crazy old lady down the street... alone in her old house... with cats... at least I like cats... posted by Shannon | 2:00 AM |
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